The first day of the rest of my life

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Hi Snoopies (snoopy, as in adorable beagle, not snoopy as in little sisters reading my diary…)

Mom has returned to Minneapolis. She’s on a plane as I write this. I dropped her off, went to the grocery store for Peppermint, went to the grocery store for me. Bought a rotisserie chicken, something I never do. Drove aimlessly on highway 40, droning on to friend-H. I know she said hi, I know she told me what she did for New Year’s. Then for the next 40 minutes she listened as I gave her a blow-by-blow of recent conversations with The Forester Man. What he said, what I said. What I emailed to him after. What I meant to email. He’s sorting himself out. He might come back, he probably won’t. How much I miss him. How I wake up in the morning and it’s hard to not be a little ball of a hedgehog, until I remember that I’m supposed to practicing being strong and brave like a lion.

Hedgehog seems to be my go-to place.

Yeah, I’m THAT girl right now. The self-obsessed drag. Heidi listens, makes soothing sounds, reminds me over and over that it’s going to take time. Even when I tell her crazy-bad things, like that right now I might be willing to be the secret side of this particular love triangle, she just listens. She calmly sits through entirely too detailed descriptions of past text exchanges. The spicy kind. She didn’t even laugh when I was groping around for the proper terminology like mom trying to figure out how to work the Apple TV. Sexting? Is that the word Heidi? I FEEL STUPID EVEN SAYING IT HEIDI!

Yes Patty, it’s sexting.

When this is all passed, as everyone claims it will, I will owe friend-H a lot of homecooked meals. 

I eventually went home. Mom has been here since my happy, slightly dysfunctional little world collapsed. I expected the sadness to bowl me over. I thought I might heap down in the doorway, crying. Crying is my new thing. I thought I’d wander around, every room filled with heavy, sad, sweet memory. He left his boots in my bedroom closet when he went back to Virginia. I actually considered bringing one to bed with me.

Yeah. I’m also that girl. The one sleeping with a boot.

I thought I’d do all that sad stuff that one does in the throes of a broken heart when not drinking PBR and distracting oneself with Rockabilly bands with pretty guitar players.

I was walking into my Nashville house for the first time as a single girl. No mom sitting in the living room, reading and playing goalie for all the black sadness. I didn’t think I was ready. When I moved here, I was already seeing the Forester Man. I think I’ve spent more weekends with him here than on my own. It seems like I have.

I thought it would be horrible. And turns out… it wasn’t.

First I tidied up. Over the last week I’ve spent a lot of time in my car, listening to a very short heartbreak playlist on my car. I love mom, but being alone was easier. So I wandered. I stayed away from the house. Went out to listen to music. I owe her a do-over Christmas in Nashville.

I tidied up. Then pulled my rotisserie chicken into bits to make some soup. Eating has not been high on my to-do list over the past week. Soup sounds good.

I brought out the garbage, and stared at the trees in my backyard. Thought thoughts. Thought about how I’d be bringing out every single bag of garbage for the rest of my life. Went back in and started the playlist over. George Jones and The Miracles, Paul Simon and a Nashville singer called Sarah Gayle Meech who has the best heartbreak song ever.

Now I’m curled upon the sofa under a quilt and a laptop and a basset hound. There’s a candle burning. The soup isn’t done, but it smells good. La Vie en Rose is on the stereo. Edith Piaf and Billie Holiday and Nina Simone for the rest of the night, I think. I started reading Anna Karenina again. Maybe I’ll dig through my much-edited fabric stash to see if there’s anything I kept that would make a good Tiramisu Dress. Or I think I have some lovely wool houndstooth, and who doesn’t need another pencil skirt?

I’m thinking of switching bedrooms. I’m thinking of selling the guest bed that I bought three weeks ago at a mattress shop like a real, live grown up. Maybe I’ll make my bedroom into a sewing room. Maybe I’ll make it into a meditation room. Maybe I should find a roomate to help with the dire cash flow situation that’s been weighing on my mind.

Maybe I’ll get a cat. I’d like to get a record player. Start collecting all my favorite albums on vinyl.

It’s strange that I don’t have to discuss all of this with another person anymore. I could decorate the whole house in granny florals and doilies and sell all my beds. It’s just me and Peppermint to please now. She’d likely object to a total bed liquidation, though.

I know what everyone says. Time will make it better. It won’t hurt so much. Take the time to get reaquainted with my single-girl stuff. And that’s all good. And I’m sure it’s true. I am looking forward to the alone-time… I’m not one of those people that doesn’t like being alone. I see the appeal of single life. Mr. Bug and I are getting really good at talking about what happened, and I feel much more peaceful about our marriage ending. And he does too. He’s still sad and dissapointed. I am too, but I know that we’ll both end up in a better place separately.

I’m curious about 2014. The whole time I was seeing The Forester, I worried about the timing. It was too soon, we moved too fast. We didn’t know when we’d see each other again. Finally, the timing between us worked, because here it is the first day of a new year, and my first day as a truly single girl. A clean slate.

 

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13 Comments
  • Mema
    January 28, 2014

    Your are back again! Great!
    ” The first day of the rest of my life ”
    I wish you an good start again.
    Mema
    Mema recently posted..MMM – schwarze StrickjackeMy Profile

  • Kate
    January 16, 2014

    I found your blog just before it went a bit quiet, and I was sad because I loved reading your posts. I’m glad to see you back. I’m so sorry you’ve had all this unpleasantness to deal with. Hard decisions and transitions. It sounds like you are finding good places in it, though. I hope there continue to be those good places, and the bad bits fade quick. <3
    Kate recently posted..Last yearMy Profile

  • Tanit-Isis
    January 9, 2014

    It’s going to be a pretty interesting year, isn’t it? I know you’ll figure it out. I confess, I’m a bit excited about getting to (hopefully) read about it…
    Tanit-Isis recently posted..The fruits of procrastinationMy Profile

  • Heather
    January 3, 2014

    Happy 2014, Patty. Sounds like it’s going to be quite the year of self discovery for you, hopefully in the best of ways. :) Big hugs!
    Heather recently posted..Cheeky Dishcloths from GrandmaMy Profile

  • LOUISE
    January 2, 2014

    What better time of the year to start afresh than the new year, with New beginnings, things can only get better for you. best wishes

  • Carolyn
    January 2, 2014

    I’m so sorry for all of the challenges that life is offering you now. Been there, done that and at least you’re not using my food substitute of choice – potato chips! My only advice to you is to put one foot in front of the other every day AND take one day at a time. I’m sending you hugs too! And this one piece of advice – you WILL make it to the other side of this. *hugs, lots and lots of hugs*
    Carolyn recently posted..Simplicity 3833 Sew-A-LongMy Profile

  • Carmen Bouchard
    January 2, 2014

    You might want to try this. http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2014/01/01/258674011/editing-your-lifes-stories-can-create-happier-endings
    And Patsy Cline, she worked wonders for me.
    Carmen Bouchard recently posted..In The Wild / Dans La NatureMy Profile

  • Mish Volonino
    January 2, 2014

    Had to recommend this album by Sam & Ruby. I literally sat by my pool drinking and crying listening to this album over and over. My neighbors must have thought I lost it. I’m a firm believer in embracing a sad mood and letting the tears flow. Sometimes it’s just the right thing to do. Mix in some cocktails, oh no it’s mor like a river.

    Here’s the album
    If you do play it, listen to the words. Incredible.

    http://rd.io/x/QX4YazNhZ60/

    Thinking of you

  • heidi
    January 2, 2014

    Xxxxooooooo

  • Lynn
    January 2, 2014

    I am one of the people who said that hurt will eventually pass. While it seems like such a simple thing to say, it is also very true. I had (who I thought was) a dear friend once tell me that she would have preferred if I did not bring “my baggage” around her. “My baggage” was the sudden loss of my mother to severe mental illness and my not knowing how to deal with it. To say that I was crushed is an understatement. This happened in 2006 and it took many years for me to heal from this. The upside is that we are no longer friends and I have met people who have shown me what true love and friendship is about. While I would have not wanted to go through that with her, it was the best thing for me because I got to see who she really was.

    As Corinne said, you are grieving. Allow yourself to grieve – it’s part of the human experience. Grieve without the Forester, though. I don’t see how that situation could end well. Not now. Not ever.

  • Corinne
    January 2, 2014

    Sorting it out, that is a good thing. You will do that over and over. The mind and the heart need that to be able to find a coping mechanism. May I suggest compartmentalizing this grief. Yes, it is grief. Choose a time of day to think about it all, moon about it so to speak, fill that time period up with all the elements that you need to ponder, then, stop. Close the door on it and do something else. Sew, Read, etc. It might take a couple of these ‘sessions’ per day for a while but the need will decrease and in the interim, you will grow into the Single girl you need to be for now. Oh yes, convert that guest room!!!
    Corinne recently posted..The First Quilt of a Happy New Year-A Vintage Masterpiece Applique QuiltMy Profile

  • Pam
    January 2, 2014

    And just like that… A new beginning.

  • Katie
    January 1, 2014

    *hugs*

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